Get Lost

**In case you haven't noticed my new icon to the right I have started a tumblr.  Most of the art on there is different from what I post here so check it OUT!  It is also a place for me to post pics and whatever the heck else I feel like.**

With this failure challenge I have been experimenting a lot and working through a lot of my own problems.  I've been breaking out of the cage of my mind and doing new things.  This has been fantastic.  Sometimes when I try something new I can't wait for it to be over and I hate it.  That in itself is some form of progress!  Yet more often than not I find that the hours fly by and any noise of the outside world receded to an imperceptible buzz.  All of my worries and emotions quiet down as if they know something important is happening and they must now wait their turn to be heard.  I am lost to the outside world but during those moments I have found myself completely and I know who I am.
When hunger or phone shakes me out of this I am often startled by how much time has passed.  I take note.  When I Get Lost....I know I have found something important to me.  Something worth doing, something worth learning and pursuing 
When I sketch at a cafe, I am lost.  When I sculpt, I am lost.  When I animate, I am lost.  These things I knew.  What I did not know is that I would so loose myself in painting, and designing.  In finding those moments that I can shake the world loose and have only myself to dominate my awareness, I have stumbled onto new paths I never thought I'd cross.
So I think the thing I have taken away from all this is the only way to find yourself is to Get Lost.

FAILURE CHALLENGE #16

Painting during the day and at sunset from my balcony facing west for the purpose of studying the changing light.  I used Acrylic and spent about 5 min on each painting.

Painterly

So we went to Dr. Sketchy's last night and I failure challenged myself not to use any lines.  Instead I brought my gouache and took the opportunity to paint from life.  At first, I was scared.  But the thought that I already knew how things would look if I just used a pen was so overwhelmingly boring to me that I couldn't bare not to do something different.  At first it was definitely a struggle but the constantly changing poses let me start over and learn from my mistakes every few minutes.  I learned a lot about the optimal texture of gouache for this kind of work and also found a workflow that really worked for me.  I found a thin underpainting to block out the form and then rendering it lengthwise really worked for me.  Ultimately I learned a lot in those three hours and I'm so glad I stared fear in the face and shrugged.

FAILURE CHALLENGE POST # 7

Here is a page from the beginning of the session when I was still trying to get my bearings:

Here is a page from closer to the end of the session when I started to feel more comfortable: 

I LOVE PAINTING!

Beating Myself With A Rock

Today I did something I've been thinking about doing for about 3 years.  I went outside and painted.  Such a simple act and yet somehow, before, I could never "find the time".  Well today the sun was shining and my brain kept poking me with the words "why not today?".  So I went!  I found a rock in a quiet place and I sat down for about an hour painting it.  I hope to build up to painting complete environments but I wanted to set an attainable goal for today so that I wouldn't get discouraged from going again.  And am I ever glad I did.  We had another lemon situation on our hands today.  I still did not get the rock to a place I am totally happy with but my fingers were starting to freeze so I left it.  I plan on going out again (maybe tomorrow if the weather holds up!) and making that rock my slave.
Anyways I'm super proud of myself for just "showing up".

 FAILURE CHALLENGE POST #6

My first attempts at the rock

My final attempt of the rock.  All in gouache.

Self Aversion and Lemon Party

I read something recently on the subject of how we often try to avoid ourselves.  Desperately seeking TV or something to read or mindless tasks to perform, anything to allow us not to have to be alone with ourself.  I know that I have done this more frequently lately than not.  Knowing that I will have to go on a 15 minute walk to Whole Foods prompts me to nervously check that I have my ipod in my pocket so I can listen to music. If I should already begin walking and realize that I had left my ipod at home I will silently curse and immediately pull out my phone to check.....something, anything.  Anything so that I don't have to be left alone with myself.  It is such a knee jerk reaction at this point that it takes deliberate and conscious thought to actually reconnect.

But then I remember, those warm nights while I was working in Burbank.  I would walk 40 minutes home from work every day.  After having listened to my ipod all day while animating I needed a break and I would walk home in silence, just myself and I.  I remember thinking how beautiful the sky looked and how long it had been since I had heard crickets chirping.  And that maybe it was a good think that I was stuck in the Suburbs of Burbank because it has the smells and sounds that reminded me of my childhood.  I remember feeling really grateful at that moment.  The crickets and the grass reminded me of the barbeques we would have in our backyard growing up.  The setting sun amongst the houses reminded me of the time before I moved to the city when I could watch the sky turn colours from my driveway unobstructed by tall city buildings.  Walking the streets of Burbank and being comforted by familiar things in an unfamiliar place was really a special moment for me.  I don't think I would have had those experiences if I was listening to music or a podcast.

So why do I avoid myself now?  I think I know it is because on some level I am not being completely honest with myself and perhaps I am afraid to be faced with the truth.  There are things in my life I have been avoiding and because of this I am avoiding myself.  Doing this Failure Challenge has helped me come face to face with some truths.  It has also given me the courage to face other parts of my life I have been avoiding.  But I'll get into that another day :)

I've been getting some requests for my previous lemon attempts so here they are in order.  

These were all done on the same day.  I was determined not to let this lemon kick my ass completely!

The Lemon Law

Today I painted the same lemon.  4 times.  In varying degrees of success.  The first two I painted made my heart hurt.  They punched my ego in the face and pulled down its pants.  I know that these are feelings I have to feel.  They are OH SO uncomfortable.  But this is the whole point of everything.  Knowing that I have a second sketchbook that I have started that is being filled with anything but cafe sketches lets me see through the haze of discomfort and steadies my heart.  I'm on the right path.  It hurts, but I'm walking it.

FAILURE CHALLENGE POST 4

Lemon painted from life.  Gouache with a blue underpainting.

Somewhere Along The Way

When I started this blog I had been working for a few years as a stop motion animator and found myself to be laid off indefinitely   During those few years working I had completely neglected to draw.  When I was growing up and all throughout high school and college I did nothing BUT draw.  But what can I say?  I was swept off my feet by stop motion and was completely engrossed in it.  Still the nagging feeling that I was missing something stayed with me and when my job disappeared the feeling was all I had left.

It was amazing how....well how BAD my drawings were when I finally picked up a pencil again.  Comparing it to my high school and college art it seemed I had actually regressed.  This was a gut wrenchingly hard fact to face.  However I knew that the joy I used to feel from drawing was something worth fighting for.  I learned to turn off the part of my brain that cried in despair every time I drew something that did not look the way I thought it should.  It was only by sheer force of will that I was able to get through that part and rebuild the connection with my mind and my hand so that when I envisioned the way I wanted to draw something it actually came out that way.  This of course took YEARS and is still something I'm working on.  

Now that I've decided to take the leap and move onto different subject matter I find myself back at square one.  My brain and ego are taking a beating.  I think in the back of my mind I knew this would be the case but I was hoping it magically wouldn't.  At least this time around I have total proof in the fact that I can overcome this particularly discouraging part of the journey.  Although this time I am going through it wiser and more optimistic.  I can feel the slow and painful rebuilding of communication with my mind and my hand.  It is a brick by brick operation with no technological shortcuts.  I must do the dirty work.  And the fact that I have even started this journey (finally) makes me feel amazing and powerful.

FAILURE CHALLENGE POST 3

Gouache and China Marker