Something Old, Something New

Happy New Year!

I've been absent from this blog for a while.  I didn't feel compelled to write until now.  I've been going through some big changes in my life.  If you recall the last thing I actively worked on was my Failure Challenge.  I stopped short of posting 30 posts of things I was actively trying to fail at artistically.  However I wouldn't call that a failure in and of itself.  When I started the Challenge I needed it.  I needed to be held accountable so that I could push through my major emotional boundaries.  Fear led the way.  But I kept going, timidly painting a lemon or a pair of sunglasses.  It may be hard to imagine if you are not an anxious artist but the very act of pushing myself into the unknown caused me to be in a state so nervous I felt physically repulsed.  I had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other as they led me towards a thing I knew I had not drawn before and would not know how.  I think in the end I figured out it wasn't so much the fear of failure that I was trying to beat but the fear of not feeling completely confident in my actions.  There is a certain safety net I put myself in by only pursuing the things I knew the steps to take to achieve it.  When forced into new situations (drawing a boat!) I had no idea what step 1 was and all of a sudden my safety net became my cage.

It sounds slightly ridiculous to be so emotionally and physically disturbed by something that when said aloud sounds so simple.  But these were and are my feelings and therefore are not ridiculous.  They are true facts.

I felt very lost for a long time this year.  In a way I had never felt before.  This whole failure challenge really ended up testing me to my core and I really hadn't expected that.  It turns out that the things I fear about art are the same things I fear about life.  That is a hard one to face.
I spent the later part of 2013 trudging through my feelings, sorting them and facing them.  I grew tremendously but it was incredibly painful.  I am still growing and sometimes I wish it was easier but I know that if it was then there would be no point.

This small silly "30 post Failure Challenge" has irrevocably set me on a new path in life.  It has revealed certain truths to me that have changed the trajectory of where I thought I wanted my life to go.  Looking back I feel I was wandering, grabbing hold of anything that reached out.  This year I am marching down a path I have carved for myself.

So as to what this means for the blog?  When I started this blog it was because I had been laid off for the first time ever.  I was going crazy in my apartment by myself.  Work really defined me at that point and with no work there was no me.  I started the blog so I would have a reason to leave my room every day.  To go and draw.  When people started following this blog I wanted to use it to help inspire people because I knew how lonely it felt to be uninspired.  And then I did it out of habit and it become more for the people who were reading it than for me.  I became bored with it and bored with myself.  During another extended lay off season (yay animation industry!) I decided to tackle my knowledge gap with colour and thats really why I started the failure challenge.  So here we are.  After some major reflection I've decided to keep this blog as a place primarily for my thoughts as a person trying to understand what it means to be an artist.  I will post art from time to time but if you would really like to see my art and not my thoughts I encourage you to follow my tumblr.

2014 will be a very different year for me.  I'd love for you to follow along whether by my blog or my tumblr.

Back Baby

I have mostly recovered from my most awful cold.  Being sick caused a lot of my momentum to come screeching to a halt.  So now I'm building it back up again!  I can't believe March is just around the corner.
I've worked on this just a few hours this week.  Looking forward to devoting more time next week and finishing it!  Hurray for moving on!

For You.

I actually think that kindness is one of the most powerful things in the world.  Kindness to ourselves and kindness to each other.  When I am feeling down about myself or my work sometimes I feel like it would be weak to be kind to myself.  Like I would be encouraging or endorsing the things about myself I wanted to change.  Truthfully though I was just kicking myself when I was already down.  When I couldn't find the strength to be kind to myself I was and am lucky enough to have people in my life who could see past my self loathing to see just me, a person who was hurting.  When I couldn't bear to be kind to myself my family and friends were.  It was their kindness that lifted me up.  If I had surrounded myself with people who believed like I did that the only way to change or help myself was to be cruel and point out my flaws (as if I didn't already know what they were!) I don't think I could have survived it.  I count my blessings every day that through the darker periods in my life when I couldn't show myself love or acceptance I had people in my life that gave me a soft place to fall and a refuge from my own internal self flagellation.  Now, years removed from those times I find it easier to be kind to myself in the hard times.  I remember a few parts of last year when I felt particularly low that I couldn't find one good thing to say about myself.  It was then when I was internally searching for something, anything that would keep me moving forward I heard my sisters voices telling me that they were proud of me and that they believed in me no matter what.  I listened to those voices and replayed them over and over in my head until I believed it and I could say it to myself.  Of course I could have chosen to listen to the other voices.  The ones who doubted my choices and discouraged me from taking the risks with negativity and fear.  If I chose to recall those voices in my fragile state I think I would have just fallen to pieces.
Not everyone is going to believe in you.  But you owe it to yourself to find someone who does.  And you owe it to yourself to believe in the way they believe in you until you can believe in yourself.

While we are on the subject, who is it that you believe in?  Who can you offer kindness to when they are feeling low?  Give that person a soft place to fall because you may be the only person in their life who can.

PROGRESS -

Look a little different?  I'll talk about that on Friday :)

Self Aversion and Lemon Party

I read something recently on the subject of how we often try to avoid ourselves.  Desperately seeking TV or something to read or mindless tasks to perform, anything to allow us not to have to be alone with ourself.  I know that I have done this more frequently lately than not.  Knowing that I will have to go on a 15 minute walk to Whole Foods prompts me to nervously check that I have my ipod in my pocket so I can listen to music. If I should already begin walking and realize that I had left my ipod at home I will silently curse and immediately pull out my phone to check.....something, anything.  Anything so that I don't have to be left alone with myself.  It is such a knee jerk reaction at this point that it takes deliberate and conscious thought to actually reconnect.

But then I remember, those warm nights while I was working in Burbank.  I would walk 40 minutes home from work every day.  After having listened to my ipod all day while animating I needed a break and I would walk home in silence, just myself and I.  I remember thinking how beautiful the sky looked and how long it had been since I had heard crickets chirping.  And that maybe it was a good think that I was stuck in the Suburbs of Burbank because it has the smells and sounds that reminded me of my childhood.  I remember feeling really grateful at that moment.  The crickets and the grass reminded me of the barbeques we would have in our backyard growing up.  The setting sun amongst the houses reminded me of the time before I moved to the city when I could watch the sky turn colours from my driveway unobstructed by tall city buildings.  Walking the streets of Burbank and being comforted by familiar things in an unfamiliar place was really a special moment for me.  I don't think I would have had those experiences if I was listening to music or a podcast.

So why do I avoid myself now?  I think I know it is because on some level I am not being completely honest with myself and perhaps I am afraid to be faced with the truth.  There are things in my life I have been avoiding and because of this I am avoiding myself.  Doing this Failure Challenge has helped me come face to face with some truths.  It has also given me the courage to face other parts of my life I have been avoiding.  But I'll get into that another day :)

I've been getting some requests for my previous lemon attempts so here they are in order.  

These were all done on the same day.  I was determined not to let this lemon kick my ass completely!

Don't Forget About The Love

Lately I've been in a real rut with my cafe sketching.  The last week or so nothing seems to come out right.  I see people, I draw them, but then I don't like what comes out on the page.  Something is missing and I know I've gone through periods like this before but they don't get easier.  I always continue drawing day after day until some mysterious switch gets flicked back on and I enjoy it again.  Today while trudging through an episode of "i don't feel like drawing" mornings I felt especially desperate.  It's not just that everything I drew seemed ugly, it also seemed foreign.  Like someone else had drawn the faces on my page.  Nothing about them had any part of me in them.  Then I kind of realized that that was it.  That was my problem.  I had become disconnected with the people I was drawing and the feelings it could bring out in me.  When I am "in the zone" I am unusually completely smitten and in love with the people I am drawing.  The way there hair falls, the degree of which there nose turns up, the lopsided way they smile or talk.  So I decided to start loving them again. I looked up at a person and allowed myself to be completely charmed by them.  Their double chin that formed when they smiled, how short their hair was that it curled right under their ears.  When I allowed myself to delight in this I found myself in love again and once again I was reflected in my drawings.  It was actually amazing the immediate difference I saw.  I was no longer rushing through drawing, nor was I over thinking things in my head.  I took my time, lingering over the drawing and adding little touches here and there.  Because I wanted to, because that's what I love to do.
The thing I really took away from this was just.... you have to love what you are doing.  No matter what it is.  You have to feel love and feel connected so that your natural inclinations are to spend time, connect and love the details of what you are doing.  Whether you are an artist or anything else.  If you love what you do you will love the things you do.

Failure Challenge POST 2

A sketch I did purely out of my head.   It is something about love.

I Want It That Way

Quick note - I will be getting back to a somewhat "regular" blogging schedule of Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  So come on by!

Lately I feel that I am forcing a real fork in the road.  Well several forks.  And when I think about it, it all becomes very overwhelming.

I don't know what lies ahead, I don't know how one choice will affect my other choices in the future.  I can guess, but I can't know.  

Sometimes I stop and think why I couldn't have chosen a more mainstream career.  One where you get to a company, work your way up and feel somewhat secure.  But if I did that I think my life would be a little more 

When I look at that I know its not the right choice.  I know that even if I haven't quite figured out who I am I know at least what I don't want.  With all of the craziness and uncertainty at least I have more options.  More chances to do or experience something that I don't even know exists yet.  My life has been full of surprises.  In the midst of it it was all very stressful with dizzying highes and bottomless lows.  But it's been interesting.  I will take an interesting life over anything else.  I think I'd rather live in the extremes than be in the middle all of the time.  When it comes right down to it I just really need to keep that in perspective so that I can weather through the uncertainty until it carries me on to the next adventure!

WHAT IS UP

So here is whats up.

When I returned from my most recent work trip I picked up work on my short.  I got SUPER excited and was so super motivated from the energy I had felt working on Robot Chicken.  I decided to do a walk test with my ball and socket armature.  I set it all up and had him take a step.  I felt totally alive and thrilled as I finally animated my little man.

AND THEN.

The thread lock came loose.  For like the THOUSANDTH time.  I had 9 joints in the neck alone and the thought of one or all of them going while I was in the middle of animating gave me a headache.  Have you heard that saying "to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results is insanity"?  Well I realized, I could re-clean  the joints, reapply thread lock AGAIN and maybe this time it would stick.  But louder than that voice came another one that had been stirring ever since I worked on the Moral Orel special.  I really loved those armatures.  They were wire armatures but the way they were made was amazing.  I could animate it as hard as I wanted and they never broke.  When I returned to Burbank later in the year to work on RC they used the same armatures.  And again....  I loved them.  Before I made a decision I asked myself a question:
- if the puppet broke while I was animating it would I have fun in stopping to take the time to fix it?  Or would I be annoyed and impatient and want to get back to animating?
Answer: I would be seriously annoyed and impatient.
So I've made a decision.  I'm going to remake the armature out of wire.  I don't want it to break while I'm animating.  I care more about animating than I do building.  There is just more joy for me there.
When I came to this realization I felt both relief and panic.  I had spent MONTHS of time working on the ball and socket armature.  Had I really wasted all of that time?

No.

When I look back on the time I spent in my cold studio with my fingers freezing trying to piece together the steel armature what I recall the strongest was how happy I was.  I love building things.  I always have.  I love using my hands.  This is really why I love stop motion so much.  I had fun building that armature.  I can't think of a better way of spending my time than by doing something I truly enjoy.  The sum of that time is not a useful tangible object but rather bits and pieces of knowledge that I gained while sorting through the many small obstacles I encountered.  To me this is priceless.  What else is priceless is knowing that I worked on the things I thought I wanted most - a ball and socket armature.  And to be shown that when I thought I had to choose between A or B there was actually a C I didn't even know existed.  I love being surprised, especially when it changes my mind about something I was so sure of.

So I happily pulled out my original sculpt.  I measured it and made a scale drawing, shrank it in photoshop and am now using it as my template for my new armature.  Using wire will enable me to get back to the proportions I had first envisioned.  Smaller joints, thinner limbs.  I'm excited.

Like Riding A Bike!

My bike (white lightning) is back!  YOU BETTER BELIEVE I went on a sweeeeeeeeeet bike ride.  It's just one more thing that makes me feel pretty great.  Other than that I've been working on setting up what I like to call "Alicia's Workspace 2.0".
Here and there I've had some pretty righteous workspaces, but none of them were ever really made to my satisfaction.  I had a pretty sweet (but small) thing going on in TO a while back.  Then I had a great studio space in Vancouver but I gave it up when I got the contract for SF.  Now that I'm back I'm trying to make it work in my apartment before going out and getting another studio space.  The one I was at before had a heating problem and it's hard to get work done (especially when working on intricate stop mo armature pieces) when your fingers are freezing.  I'm pretty excited about what I've got going on in the apartment right now.  I just need a few ikea pieces (drawers mainly) to make it organized and functional.  Once I've got everything set up I'll share a pic.   Anyways, surprise surprise here's some more cafe sketches!  I love being back at my regular cafe here.  Good energy and great people.

Word Of The Day

Overwhelmed.

Today the final piece of my life was delivered back to me.  After packing up my life to move to San Francisco it has arrived back at my doorstep in Vancouver.  My stuff made a round trip pretty much from Vancouver, to SF then back again without ever being unpacked.  I've gone without about 85% of my personal belongings since July.  Whatever didn't fit in a suitcase and carry on has now been returned.  I've been thinking about this day with excitement for a while and now that it's here I feel anxious.  My apartment is scattered with boxes.  I have to unpack.  Again.  I am swinging between the excitement of picking up working on my own art (including my short!!!!) and the paralyzing fear that once again, I am unemployed.

This industry can be a dream come true and a nightmare.  I'm so thankful for the amazing support that I constantly feel from my friends and family.  Nobody has ever told me they don't believe in me, and I think thats why I am always able to believe in myself.  Even now, under the weight of my fears.... I think I can still make this work.

So.

Time to rehang the hooks I took down.  Put together the desk I took apart.  Refill the drawers I emptied.

And put the luggage AWAY.

Combobulated

I finished working on Robot Chicken last week and WOW that was fun!!!!  I'm so proud of the work I did while I was down there and so proud to have worked with such a fantastic team.  I enjoyed that contract so much but I also had so much on my mind in regards to reconstructing my life from what I like to call "The Great San Francisco Detour" that there were times that my head was not totally there.

I arrived back in Vancouver this week and felt all sorts of discombobulation for the last few days.  I've been running around taking care of errands, piecing things back together.  I also just got over a cold so I've been feeling SUPER low energy.  Today was the first day I went drawing since I've been back.  I returned to my usual spot where I was welcomed very warmly by the staff who remembered me.  It's one of life's little joys to be a regular at a coffee shop I think...  The cafe was bustling with activity and before I  took a sip of my latte I felt like someone had injected me with caffeine.  The cafe I go to has such a fantastic energy.... I think probably the best in my neighborhood.  I've tried at least 3 other places but this one always comes out ahead.  I felt shocked back to life in the best way possible.

The last few weeks my drawings have kind of been lacking in something, but as I started to sketch I felt that something come back.  I felt so excited and alive and ready to DRAW.  When I first moved to Vancouver it took me such a long time to really connect with it.  Now I feel connected.  I can see the art everywhere.  Life can be so strange sometimes.

I tried to love markers.... I just... don't.

This woman was so simply dressed but so elegant.

Within the next few weeks my belongings will be shipped back to me from SF.  Including my bike (YAY) and paints (YAY!).  Even though I have a mounting list of errands to run, even though I gave up my studio when I moved to SF and now have nowhere to work on my short, even though I don't have a job right now, I feel really happy.

Head and Heart

BLARG.  There is so much going on in my life right now that I have tried to write this post three times already.  All I've managed to do with it is throw myself a pity party which I am totally over!!!!  Without things getting too heavy I think I will reduce my thoughts into bullet points:

- I have a cold and feel totally worn out
- Job is going amazingly, I'm having the best time!  9am-7pm, Mon-Fri is a GOOD TIME.
- I realized lately that its been almost a year since I've done an improv class or performed improv.  This kills me.
- I need to work yoga into my life regularly to help me cope with the anxieties in my life that worsen when I go through transitions (i.e.- moving).  When things get bad I get obsessive AND compulsive.  I wouldn't say I'm at disorder stage but it's definitely not comfortable!
- I miss biking so much.  Hopefully when I get back to Vancouver there will be some rain-less days that I can take advantage of.
- I feel sad that I haven't posted on my blog in so long.  But today I feel happy that I am posting.
- I think I'm in some sort of personal rut.  There.  I've said it.  Now hopefully I can get out of it.

I have some pretty big thoughts about 2013.  I have a loose idea of how I'd like it to go but of course we won't know till we get there :)

Anyone else have some big feeling they want to share in bullet points?

Choosing Choice

With so many changes and transitions happening in my life in the past few months there were a lot of times when I felt like dissolving into a puddle on the ground.  I felt so out of control of my life and powerless as external forces moved the trajectory of my life around.  I felt like I was on a string being yanked every which way and I had no choice but to follow.  Somewhere in the midst of all the craziness I remembered this rhyme by Dr. Seuss that I had seen somewhere on the internet months before:

You have brains in your head. 

You have feet in your shoes. 

You can steer yourself any direction you choose. 

You're on your own. 

And you know what you know. 

And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go

Just reading this made me feel so calm.  Try saying this to yourself replacing the word "you" with "I".  Don't you feel better?  It made me reflect back on all of the times I let other people make choices for me when I believed I had no choice and all of the times I stood up and made my own choices for my life and where it took me.  We are all so responsible for our own lives.  We are as responsible for the choice of believing we are powerless and let other choose for us as we are for the choice of taking charge of our own lives and living a deliberate life where we choose our own paths.  Either way you are responsible for the outcome.  Be powerful or powerless, it is your choice but it IS a choice.  It is easy to slip between the spectrum of the two back and forth, and I think that this is how most people live their lives.  It's certainly what I used to do.  But I just can't afford to do that anymore, the stakes are higher now and I just can't risk my future in anyones hands but my own.  I get to choose where I go and what I do and who I spend my time with.  And if I make a bad decision then the responsibility is on me and I can't blame it on anyone but myself.  And if I make a good decision then I can own it and not say "well I was lucky...".  I know that my life is exactly the way it is because of my own doing.  Because of this somehow it makes me able to be as proud of my bad decisions as I am of my good decisions.  It feels good to own up to something and take responsibility, fixing it if it is bad or reveling in it if it is good.

So there's that.  Do me a favor, next time you feel helpless say this Dr. Seuss thing to yourself.  See if you can find a choice for change in your life where you didn't think you had one before.  When you do discover the power you have in your own life you will feel amazing, I promise.  Choose Choice.

In Celebration of Failure

I have failed so much in my life, both publicly and privately, professionally and personally, in any way you can imagine I have failed at least once but most often multiple times and more than once making the same mistake over and over again until I learned from it.  I have no doubt that I will continue to fail in the future.  This fact used to be upsetting to me and something that I would instinctively want to hide and deny.  Many times when I failed I felt like I couldn't even admit it to myself, instead making justifications as to why other variables out of my control had set me up to fail and that I was just a victim of circumstance, and even then I still managed to beat myself up about it. 

This is a topic I think about a lot, and I have been meaning to write about it for so long.  I think because of that I find it hard to write this post.  My relationship with failure is such a huge part of who I am now and I can only hope to articulate it well enough.  We all have our own unique relationships with failure.  I'm just here to share mine.  

"Failure is not an option"

I think we have all heard that one before, and I think we have all said that to ourselves.  Well guess what?  Failure actually is an option!!  And it's actually a pretty great one.  When I started drawing again I just wanted so badly for my drawings to reflect what I actually was seeing in my head.  This was easier said then done and after so many failed attempts at this I became so fearful to draw because I knew I would fail.  I froze every time I saw something I knew I couldn't draw.  This led to much self loathing.  It got so bad that everyday I would just totally freeze up and find myself staring at a blank page for minutes.  Finally I had enough and one day I looked down at a blank page in my sketchbook and said to myself "This page is for failing".  I gave myself permission to fail, and I made it my main directive to fail and only fail on that one page of my sketchbook.  Suddenly I felt like I had been freed and I drew things that I never would have attempted otherwise.  I wasn't frozen.  When it became my goal to fail I felt so free and I drew so horribly and it meant I had succeeded!  By giving myself this freedom I stopped being scared, I stopped beating myself up.  Self loathing ceased and was replaced by encouragement.  I kept giving myself permission and the goal to fail weekly.  Eventually my "fail" pages in my sketchbook became the ones with the most energy  and the best drawings.  Now when I look at a blank page the permission to fail is automatic and I think that this was the main key to my improvement in my drawing over the past year.  

This is just one small way in which I have embraced failure in my everyday life.  So in honor of this I thought I'd share a page of my sketchbook that I think is just about the worst!  I'm not ashamed of it, I know that this one page doesn't define me and I also know it is an important and successful step forward.  

GO FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

I actually wasn't expecting to fail on this page but after I drew it  I was really not happy with how it turned out!  So here it is, a failed page.  

When I saw this couple I felt apprehensive about drawing them, but I gave myself permission to fail and I went for it.  I ended up really liking this drawing.  Technically it's nothing special but theres something about the energy of it that I feel like I captured successfully   

Growing Pains

Well this post has been a long time coming.  Crazy changes have happened and I've been physically and emotionally all over the map.  After SF fell through I thought about my options.  To make a long story short I ended up getting a spot animating on Robot Chicken in Burbank.  It's been crazy amazing and the studio is fantastic.

I've still been drawing every day and thank goodness for that.  In this time of my life that seems to be full of constant transition and change, drawing has been the one consistent thing that I can count on.  It is the one thing that after being laid off, with no job and few friends in SF, gave me a reason to get up in the morning and get out.  Every time before this time I knew when I would be unemployed and I was able to plan for it.  There would be an end date on my contract that I could prepare for it.  This time around it came out of nowhere and I wasn't prepared.  If I hadn't started drawing again so long ago I literally would have had nothing to fall back on.  If you move to a city for a job and then the job disappears, what are you left with?  A city that is indifferent to your existence.  When I am working and living in a city I feel like I am a contributing and valuable part of the community.  Anytime the work dried up in a city I've been living in I immediately feel like I've overstayed my welcome.  To stay longer in SF would have been like being the last person at a party that can't take the hint even though the host is yawning and saying "well it's getting to be that time....." as they load up the dishwasher.  I love Toronto, New York and San Francisco.  I loved working and living in those place.  But once I had no more work those cities seemed to close themselves off to me.  Every day I felt like they were saying "oh, are you still here?".  With no work I am not needed, nobody notices my existence and nobody would miss the absence of it.  This is a strange place to be in.  I had the option of staying in SF longer just to hang out but I left as soon as I could.  It became such an empty place with nothing there for me.  San Francisco is such a beautiful and vibrant city with so much to offer, but I had nothing to offer it in return and so our relationship felt like it had come to a natural (though abrupt) ending.

I suppose that is all there really is to say about that situation.  Now I am in Burbank.  A city that wants me here.  When I arrived last week it was very bittersweet.  I am in a job that I love, but I really hadn't expected to find myself here.  I don't regret anything but I feel like there is still a version of myself in a parallel universe still in San Francisco working on a feature.  And yet another version of myself in Vancouver still working on my short and living quite happily.  The past week when I have woken up it takes me a good few minutes to realize where I am and what I am doing here.

And then I get up and go to work.

I have begun experimenting with markers!  They are a more portable solution than paint.   Stay tuned for more fun experimenting with markers!!

One Day At A Time

So... it's been a stressful week.

Aside from any other nonsense I've been having a lot of really nice moments.  It's amazing that no matter what is going on in your life if you look hard enough you can always find some measure of peace.

The other day I started my day by going sketching and getting a latte.  Then I wandered over to a juice bar and grabbed a really great vegetable juice.  From there I meandered up the street to a used book store and picked up a new-to-me book.  Then I found a nice shady spot in one of the most beautiful parks I've ever been in and I sat and read (and laughed out loud - thank you David Sedaris) for a few hours.

No matter what is going on in any other area of my life, that is a damn good day.

Oh Jeeeeeeez

Wow Ok.  I did not expect it to be almost a month before I blogged again but here we are.  So THE BIG MOVE is completed.  I am now in San Francisco for the time being working at a great new job.  Every move gets a little easier, the logistics still stress me out to no end but adjusting to this new city was pretty easy for me.  There is a great energy here.  The people are diverse and inspiring.  The coffee shops are plentiful.  Improv lives.  I know I will be just fine here :).

I'm happy to report that although my time blogging was very off and on I have still been drawing every day.  I even found a really great cafe nearby that I go to an hour before work and sketch.  Heaven.

Currently I still am looking for a more permanent place to live but once THAT monkey is off my back every thing will be peachy........right?

This move has stirred some thoughts.  That combined with starting a new job has really got my brain spinning.  Once I have a things more in place I hope to post about some of the things I have been thinking about. 

Laaaaaaaaaaaater!

So Much

Well if you have noticed I took a bit of a blogging break.  I have a big move coming up (more on that later) and I'm afraid I really let the tasks associated with the move overwhelm me.  I actually attempted a few blog posts but I found that I was just writing my heart out and it was really more of a personal journal entry that nobody would really understand except me.  Even as I am writing this now I feel the urge to write about some of the things I have been thinking about but I know my mind is to much of a mess to do that right now so I'll keep it short and sweet so I actually end up posting!

So YAY ME.  I finally did it.

Me and my Brain

Today I went to the coffee shop.  My usual seat was taken.  As were my two backup seats.  So I had to sit in my 4th choice (which on the bright side is far better than my 5th choice).  Whenever this happens I get all up in my head and can't stop thinking about how perfect everything would just be if I could sit in my usual spot.  Then I stop and think about how this is a metaphor for life and to just be ok with where I am and see if I can find anything special about seeing things from (literally) a new perspective. This would be fine if I could just learn the lesson once and be good every time thereafter.  But this happens every time and it makes me annoyed with my brain.  My inside conversation with myself goes something like this:

Me: Oh man, looks like my top three seats are taken, well at least I can still sit in my 4th choice!  If I had to sit in my fifth choice I would be soooooooo annoyed.

Brain: ALL I WANT IS TO SIT IN MY 1ST CHOICE SEAT.  I WANT TO SIT THERE I DON'T LIKE IT HERE I WANT TO SIT THERE.


Me: That father playing with his newborn and singing to him is really sweet.

Brain: THIS IS THE WORST THIS IS THE WORST THIS IS THE WORST


Me: Hmmm... I kinda wish I had got a cookie with my latte today.... The cookies here are insane.... I wonder what makes them so good.  Oh look, that girl is reading The Artists Way.  I wonder if I should go talk to her on my way out.

Brain: MY.  LIFE.  SUCKS.  WHEN WILL IT BE TOMORROW SO EVERYTHING CAN BE ALRIGHT AGAIN


So as I was saying. this is totally annoying.  Seriously brain, get over it.  Anyways I have faith that my brain will chill out eventually.  Until then, just one day at a time.

Time Out

Sometimes I fall into this false sense of security where I think I have gotten everything in my life really figured out.  I think more than anything I want to believe I have figured it all out.  Optimism abounds.  Then something will inevitably happen, some new situation and I will not be prepared to handle it with as much grace as I would have thought I could.  I know this is normal and I know that it hurts to grow but sometimes I really just need a solid time-out from life.  There is no such thing though.  I suppose if there was some of us would never want to tag back in.  We have to go through it.  This is life and this is art.  We never really know if the decisions we make are right or wrong, or if there even is such a thing as right or wrong and maybe all there is are the things we have already done, the decisions we have already decided on and made.  Right and wrong then become irrelevant.

So let's see what happens.

Gouache Succeeded

Well look what happened.  Finally some colour to brighten up my sketchbook.  HAPPINESS.  I can feel the wheels beginning to turn again.  I am slowly (so slowly) but surely returning to the mental state of productiveness.  Today I read another chapter in The Artists Way and there was a sentence in there that came to the effect of "self respect comes from the doing, not from the done".  Something I totally needed to hear today.  It's a simple way of me being able to understand that even though I am so proud of all the things I have accomplished, it is not enough to sustain my happiness as an artist.  The only thing that make me really feel happy is doing.  So that is why I feel so much peace when I draw in the morning.  That is why I feel like I have accomplished the best day of my life if I go into my studio and test out a method that ultimately won't even work for my purposes.  Cause I'm doing.  That's really the thing that gets me out of bed and instead of saying to myself "you have not done enough" I say "what can I create today?"

GO DO!!!!